Befriending the Nervous System and How it Has Helped Me Improve My Relationships (and How it Can Improve Yours Too)
Have you ever felt like your emotions control you rather than the other way around? I know I have.
There have been times where I would go from calm to furious in a split second. One second I’d be okay, and the next, someone’s words or actions would push my buttons, and I'd lose my cool. This often resulted in conflicts and misunderstandings, straining my relationships and leaving me with a lot of guilt and shame over my behavior.
But everything changed when I began to understand what was happening inside of me in these moments. I’ve discovered that by cultivating a deeper understanding of how my nervous system responds when I become activated and learning to listen to my body’s responses in these moments, not only have I been able to improve my relationships, but I could also show up in my relationships more authentically.
Here's a personal story to help illustrate what I mean.
For example, one of my hot button issues is when someone interrupts or speaks over me. This is a particularly hot issue when it comes to discussions with my husband.
This one issue has resulted in many discussions that have gotten way more escalated than they needed to be, and before I knew it, I was saying things in ways and tones that I would later regret. My responses in moments like this have caused strain in our relationship and unfortunately, there were far too many moments where my children were witness to these times when I lost my cool.
I knew that this was not the way I wanted to respond in these circumstances, but I really didn’t know how to manage it. This was until, I learned that my nervous system was trying to keep me safe, and this type of response was what has kept me safe throughout my life, even though it hasn’t served my relationships in the long run.
What do I mean by keeping me safe?
Our nervous system’s two main agendas are safety and connection, and when either feels threatened, the nervous system responds accordingly by turning off the parts of the brain responsible for higher levels of thinking (functions such as working memory, problem-solving, emotional regulation, personality, inhibition of inappropriate actions, & emotional & social reasoning), and turning on the parts of the brain geared toward survival. (This is what is also known as fight, flight or freeze.)
Part of feeling connected with someone is when both people feel seen, heard and understood, so when someone speaks over me or interrupts me, that connection feels threatened to me.
So, my nervous system decides to employ the protective (adaptive) responses that I learned throughout my life that have allowed me to feel seen and heard - and one of those protective responses comes in the form of raising my voice.
In the short term, the protective response served its purpose (because how can you not hear somebody who’s screaming their head off lol). But in the long term, this protective response produced the opposite effect, creating a disconnect between my husband and me.
I knew I was angry, and on more superficial level, I knew why I was angry, but I didn’t understand why I would react so intensely. Once I became aware that my nervous system was responding to a threat in these moments, it helped me to understand on a deeper level why I was responding the way I was, and it also opened the door for me to explore on a deeper level why I felt so threatened to begin with.
In addition to understanding that my nervous system was trying to keep me safe, I also learned that in these moments, my body gives me clues when I start to become activated. For me, in the moments when I’m feeling angry, my body gives me clear signals: my heartbeat races, my skin warms, my muscles tense, and a surge of energy courses through me.
Once I knew how to recognize these cues, it allowed just enough space between stimulus and response to give me the power to make a different choice in how I respond.
What does this look like?
For me, it required stepping outside of my comfort zone and setting boundaries. This meant instead of continuing the conversation, I would pause the conversation and would say something like:
“Hey, listen, I feel like I’m about to lose my temper right now and I really want this conversation to go well so I think I need some space to process what I’m feeling right now and then we can revisit this conversation when it can end constructively rather than destructively.”
I would then leave the room and take some time for myself - however long I needed to cool down and get my thinking brain back online - and then revisit the conversation so we could come to a resolution.
This process was a game changer in my relationships, because the process opened the opportunity for me to feel my emotions rather than suppress them, which in turn opened the opportunity for me to develop a deeper understanding to why I was feeling angry so I could process my emotions in a healthier way.
And when I was able to understand on a deeper level why I was feeling angry, it evolved the conversations between my husband and I from simply saying, “I feel like I’m about to lose it. I need some space” to, “I’m feeling angry because I feel like I’m not being heard, and I need some time to move through these feelings”.
This shift created the following effects:
It offered me the chance to honor my feelings as well as express them more openly
It helped me build more confidence in how I process my emotions
It allowed me to feel more compassion for myself when I’m feeling activated
It helped me build more self-trust to act in a way that best serves me and my relationships more authentically
It also:
Offered my husband a deeper understanding of what I was feeling
Allowed my husband to feel safer in honoring his feelings and expressing them more openly
Encouraged my husband to become more aware of what is happening for him when he becomes agitated (activated) so he can process what he’s feeling in a way that best serves him and his relationships
Created a safer space for him and I to work through our disagreements in a way that nurtures our relationship instead of rupturing it
Is it always perfect? Of course not. This is something that takes LOTS of time, practice and support.
It also requires a willingness of both parties to put it into practice, which is not always the case. This is when boundaries may need to be reassessed.
Befriending my nervous system has been, and continues to be, a journey of self-discovery and growth. By listening to my body and giving myself the space to process my emotions so I can make a different choice in how I respond, I’ve improved my relationships dramatically.
If you find yourself struggling with intense emotional reactions, consider tuning into your body’s signals and allowing yourself the space to ask yourself the question, “What clues does my nervous system and body give me when I’m feeling activated?” It’s a small shift that can lead to profound changes.
-Franchesca
PS – As I mentioned above, this process takes time, practice and support, so be gentle with yourself in this process. If you’re looking for additional support to help you develop a better understanding of your nervous system and create a deeper connection with yourself so you can improve your relationships and feel free to be your true, most authentic self, let’s chat. Book a complementary call with me so we could talk more about how I can support you.
Photo cred: Roman Kraft