Finding Safety in Authenticity: How Our Nervous System Shapes Our True Selves
Have you ever felt like you couldn’t fully be yourself, like you had to hide parts of who you are just to fit in or be accepted? Maybe you’ve held back from expressing your true feelings or showing your authentic self because you were worried about what others might think or say? If so, you're not alone. This is a common experience, and it often feels like a heavy burden to carry.
But why do we do this? Why do we hide parts of ourselves, even when we know deep down that being your authentic self leads to a more fulfilling life? The answer lies deep within our bodies, in a place we often overlook—our nervous system.
The Nervous System’s Role in Our Behavior & Authenticity
Our nervous system plays a crucial role in keeping us safe, constantly monitoring our surroundings for any potential threats. It’s designed to prioritize safety and connection because, as humans, we’re hardwired for social bonds. To our nervous system, losing those bonds can feel just as dangerous as a physical threat. Think about it: back in the days of hunter-gatherers, being separated from your group could mean facing serious dangers—like getting eaten by a lion, for example.
So, when the nervous system senses a threat, whether to our physical safety or our social bonds, it switches into survival mode. While this response is protective, it can sometimes come at the cost of our authenticity.
This is why we often struggle to be authentic. If our nervous system thinks that showing our true selves might lead to rejection, criticism, or other negative consequences, it activates protective responses in an attempt to keep us safe. These responses are meant to shield us but can manifest in behaviors that hold us back from expressing our true selves.
Common Protective Patterns
As mentioned above, when our nervous system senses a threat to our safety or connection, it triggers protective patterns to try and keep us safe. These patterns can show up in various ways, often without us even realizing it. Here are some common ones:
People-pleasing: Avoiding conflict and sacrificing your own needs and desires to make others happy, often at the expense of your own well-being.
Poor boundaries: Struggling to say no or set limits because you're afraid of disappointing others, often leading to feelings of resentment or being overwhelmed.
Seeking external validation: Relying on others’ opinions to feel good about ourselves, instead of trusting our own judgment.
Perfectionism: Striving to meet impossibly high standards, often driven by the fear of making mistakes or being seen as inadequate.
More intense responses: Reactions such as rage, withdrawal, or disconnection when feeling unseen, unheard, invalidated.
While these patterns may have helped us cope in the past, they don't necessarily support our growth or our journey toward living a fulfilling, authentic life. In fact, they can hold us back from experiencing true connection and joy.
The Path to Authenticity: Creating Emotional Safety and Connection
To start living authentically, we need to feel emotionally safe in doing so. But how do we create that sense of emotional safety? It starts with recognizing the fears that fuel our protective behaviors. By becoming aware of these fears, we can begin to understand why they exist and how they shape our actions.
For instance, if you struggle with setting boundaries, try reflecting on the situations where this pattern arises. Is it only with certain people, or does it happen with everyone? Do you worry that saying no will lead to someone getting angry or even ending their relationship with you?
Also, ask yourself if the fear driving this pattern is rooted in the present moment or if it’s a cue from the past. This can help you determine whether the pattern is actually necessary now. Maybe in the past, someone got upset when you said no, and that led you to believe that you couldn't say no to anyone without facing disapproval. But is that really true? Probably not. Yet, your nervous system might react as if it is, thinking it’s under threat.
In these moments, remind yourself that you’re in the present, not reliving the past. This awareness opens up the possibility of setting boundaries where there were none before.
Awareness is the first step toward change. It allows us to notice when our nervous system is reacting out of fear and gives us the chance to regulate our nervous system so we can respond differently. Instead of letting fear dictate our actions, we can take small steps toward authenticity, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Cultivating emotional safety in relationships
Cultivating a sense of emotional safety also involves creating environments and relationships where we feel supported and accepted. Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be your true self, who listen without judgment, and who appreciate you for who you are. These connections can help to regulate your nervous system and reassure you that it's okay to be authentic. You might also consider working with a somatic coach and/or a therapist who is trained in somatic work and nervous system regulation to support you through the process as well.
It’s also important to cultivate emotional safety within yourself by practicing self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. Understand that it’s normal to feel scared or vulnerable when stepping out of your comfort zone. Celebrate the small victories—the moments when you show up as your true self, even if it’s just a little bit.
Taking the First Step
Living authentically isn’t about being fearless; it’s about feeling the fear and choosing to show up anyway. It’s about giving yourself permission to be seen, to be heard, and to be real. Ask yourself:
"What is one small step I can take today to feel a little safer in being my authentic self?"
Maybe it’s speaking your mind in a situation where you would normally stay silent, or setting a boundary that’s been long overdue. Whatever it is, know that each small step matters. Each step brings you closer to a life where you can be yourself fully and freely.
Remember, authenticity is a journey, not a destination. It’s a continuous process of learning, growing, and becoming. By nurturing a sense of safety and connection, both within ourselves and with others, we create the space to be our true selves. And in doing so, we open the door to a more fulfilling, authentic, and vibrant life.
-Franchesca
PS – If you’re looking to connect more deeply with your true self and feel secure in your authenticity, my Unlock Your Truth 1:1 somatic coaching program can help. Through somatic healing and nervous system regulation, we’ll work together to strengthen your connection with your most authentic self, improve your relationships, and help you thrive in all areas of life. I offer a variety of packages tailored to your unique needs. To discover how this program can support you, book a complimentary discovery call here.
Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash