Struggle With Holding Yourself Accountable When You Make a Mistake? Here’s 5 Steps to Work Through It
“To err is human…”
Let’s face it, we all make mistakes; to deny that fact is to deny our humanity.
There are times when we don’t always make the right choices with our words and/or actions.
We may say or do things - intentional or unintentional – that are hurtful, disrespectful or offensive.
In those moments, it’s what we do next that can make the difference.
This is where accountability comes into play.
For many however, holding ourselves accountable can be a very tough pill to swallow.
Want to know why? Because for many of us, the thought of making a mistake or contributing to someone else’s hurt brings up an immense amount of discomfort and in many cases, fear.
And guess what? That discomfort and fear of making mistakes is totally normal and makes sense.
That discomfort is also the gateway toward embodiment of our true, authentic selves.
Our potential for growth and embodying our authentic self is in direct correlation with not only our willingness to learn more about ourselves, but also our willingness to be honest with ourselves and to call ourselves out on our own sh*t.
It can be hard, it can be scary, but when we move past the fear, that’s when the magic happens.
Here are 5 steps to work through the discomfort and hold ourselves accountable when we make a mistake:
1. First, tune into what happens in the body when you are called out for your mistake. Take a moment to reflect on your body’s response when you were called out for something you did. Notice what you felt: Rapid heartbeat? Tension in your muscles? Nervous system gearing up for defense? By tuning into and becoming aware of our body’s responses in these moments, it creates space between activation and response, as well as offering the chance to stay connected with the part of the brain responsible for higher levels of thinking like decision making, problem solving and regulating emotions. By keeping this part of the brain online, it allows the opportunity to stay centered while working through our emotions.
2. Ask yourself, “What is the underlying emotion fueling my resistance to holding myself accountable?” and notice what answers come up for you. It may be different for each of us, but the one emotion I’ve noticed in my own experience is fear.
Fear of making a mistake (Perfectionism much?).
Fear of disapproval.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of loss of credibility.
When we start to recognize the underlying emotions resulting from that resistance, it creates an opportunity for us to view those emotions from a place of compassion and understanding rather than self-judgement.
3. Seek to better understand our participation in the other person’s hurt. When someone expresses that they’ve been hurt by our words or actions, instead of immediately trying to explain or justify it away, we can seek to understand why they feel hurt, and how we participated in that hurt, regardless of whether it was intentional or not. People react in accordance with what their nervous system recognizes as safe or a threat, so while your words or actions may not have been intended to be hurtful, the other person may perceive it as such for various reasons. Considering this can allow us to be more willing to seek out understanding versus immediately getting on the defense, thus offering the chance to regulate both yours and the other person’s nervous system and work toward repair.
4. Offer willingness to learn from the experience to choose differently in the future and putting forth the effort to repair. What does this look like? Here are some examples:
“I messed up, but I am committed to improving and learning.”
“I’m sorry if my words/actions caused you to feel that way, that was not my intention. Help me understand how I hurt you so we can work on this together.”
“Your feelings are important, and I am having a hard time understanding what happened. Can we talk about it some more so I can learn from this to work on it?”
5. Offer yourself grace for any stumbles that may happen along the way. Fear of making a mistake is a huge part of our resistance to holding ourselves accountable when we make one, so it’s important to keep in mind that this is a process, and there will be inevitable stumbles along the way. Offer yourself grace and forgiveness for those stumbles and repeat steps 1-5 as needed.
When we can hold ourselves accountable, not only does it come with a learning opportunity for ourselves, but it also allows others to feel seen, heard, understood, and respected, creating deeper and more meaningful relationships with those around you.
-Franchesca
PS - I hope that these steps will be as helpful to you as they have been to me. And if you’re looking for additional support on your path to living with authenticity & embodying your true self, let’s chat!
photo cred: chuttersnap