Feeling the Urge to People Please or Hide Your True Self for Approval? Ask Yourself This…
I’ve been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember.
There have been countless situations where I was asked to do something and I wanted to say no, but felt I had to say yes. Otherwise, I would either disappoint someone or make them mad. In these moments, I would set aside—or just straight up ignore—my own needs, sometimes compromising my own well-being because I couldn’t stand disappointing people.
What I didn’t know until about five years ago was that my tendency to people-please was a protective response. My aversion to disappointing people was actually a fear of disappointing them, because to me, disappointing people meant that relationship or connection would be threatened in some way. So, my nervous system responded accordingly, protecting me from losing that connection, even if that meant sacrificing my own needs.
This is because our nervous systems have two main agendas: safety and connection. When either feels threatened, it responds in ways that keep us safe, even if those responses aren’t appropriate to the situation. My nervous system did a great job at keeping me safe. At the same time, those protective responses didn’t serve my well-being—or my relationships, if we’re being honest—in the long run.
After spending time learning to connect with my nervous system and understanding my protective responses, as well as cultivating a better grasp of the origins of my protective responses, I learned how to recalibrate them to better serve me and my relationships. Now, when those people-pleasing tendencies arise, I can recognize them at the onset, and it offers the space for me to pause and ask myself: "What am I keeping myself safe from?"
This allows me to stay present with my protective responses and reflect on whether my response is appropriate or if a cue from my past is creeping into the present moment. It is this awareness that plants the seed of choice—and with choice, we have the power to respond in a way that best serves not only our well-being and relationships, but also what feels right and true for us.
Learning to navigate this terrain hasn't been easy, but it's been incredibly rewarding. By recognizing that my people-pleasing tendencies are protective responses rooted in a desire for connection, and understanding where my people-pleasing tendencies originated, I've been able to approach them with more compassion and understanding. This journey has taught me that it's okay to prioritize my needs and that true connection is built on mutual respect and authenticity, not on the fear of disappointing others.
So, if you find yourself constantly saying yes when you want to say no, know that you’re not alone. Your nervous system has been doing a beautiful job at keeping you safe. Understanding this, you can ask the question, “What am I trying to keep myself safe from?” when these tendencies arise and listen to what your body and nervous system tell you. Once you discover the answer to that question, you can then explore where those feelings originated to get a better understanding of where your protective responses come from.
It is with that understanding and awareness that you plant your own seeds of choice, and with that choice comes the power to respond in a whole new way – a way that best serves not only your relationships, but also serves you, your well-being and your authenticity.
- Franchesca
PS - Want to break free from people pleasing and stop the cycle of self-abandonment so you can develop a deeper relationship and be at peace with all parts of your true, most authentic self? Click here to learn more about my Unlock Your Truth 1:1 coaching program.
photo cred: Fa Barboza